When I heard about Johnathan I went so numb. This just when my friend died and showed me how tenuous a hold on life that we all have. My great grandma just died, too. And now I look at my baby and at my toddler with tears in my eyes because I know that something could happen tomorrow, next year, in five minutes.........

I never met Johnathan or his wonderful parents but him (and they) have touched my life very deeply. I believe that his parents were very lucky to be gifted with him and I am so sorry that it was only for such a short time. I will never be the same person who I was before I read about Johnathan's death. I am very thankful that Christina wrote and let us know what happened. It must have been very hard and I feel very touched that she thought of us......I wrote to all my other lists and asked that candles be lit in his memory and for his parents. I heard from a 14 year old in Israel who lit a candle with his parents, a 56 year old in Alaska who lit three (two for the parents), a 20 year old who vowed an hour of silence in Johnathan's memory........people of all ages and religions all over the world........... Johnathan has now touched each and every one of them. Some of them won't always remember him or his story, but for a few hours last night we thought of him and some of them will remember him forever.

Dear Johnathan has reminded us all that which may be given can also be taken away. I too have taken down my website and replaced it with the page for Johnathan. I believe that he is still with his parents and always will be. I believe he is with each and everyone one of us and when I hug my baby now and every day in the future I will be hugging Johnathan also.

          Nikki

Please accept our sympathy. I am having difficulty getting pregnant, may never be able to, and that is a loss that makes my heart ache. I can only imagine how much you are hurting, but want you to know that our thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.

I have lost too many loved ones these past couple of years and I'm sending you a poem that kind of helps me deal with it all...

I am so sorry.  There are no words that can express the amount of sympathy that I feel for the loss of your baby.  Nor can I possibly understand what you are going through.  I can only hope that it helps a little to know that there are people out here thinking of you and of Johnathan.

Erica

"Don't be the rider who gallops all night
and never sees the horse that is beneath him"
Rumi

Christina, I add my heart felt sympathy and condolences to the many I'm sure you are receiving. This is a poem/riddle I wrote after my husband died. The answer is Life. Sending prayers & healing thoughts to you.

Dorothy Drady in Sausalito, CA

Christina,
    I am not a November mom but I am a November dad.  I just read the letter you sent to the list about your precious son Johnathan.  My sister lost her little girl earlier this month, although I can't fully understand it, I have some Idea of the pain that you and your family must be feeling.  My family and I will be praying for you and your family that the Lord will comfort you.

God bless you and comfort you,
Toney Gorham

Dear Christina,

I've written many messages of condolence to email friends who've lost babies due to miscarriage, pre-term birth, or stillbirth. But I've never written a note like this and I am devastated for you.

I know how hard it is to lose a child very early in life. I lost a son at 22 weeks gestation and miscarried 3 babies in the 1st trimester, but I look at my son and daughter now and cannot imagine losing either of them, now that's I've had them on this earth for a while. I believe it must be a thousand times more devastating to lose a child after having held them and cared for them and come to love them like no other being.

I'm so, so very sorry to hear about Johnathan's death. I dearly wish I could do or say something to help you through this horrible time. The only thing I can do is tell you that I'm thinking of you and sending you some heart-felt cyber hugs through the computer wires.

I know you must be in shock right now, but please let me know if I can do *anything*. I'm happy to listen if you need to vent or whatever. I have an email friend who lost a son at 15 months in a car accident. She's now a grief counselor and I'm sure would be a helpful resource.

This note cannot convey the deep sorrow I feel at this news.

My love to you, your husband, and your family at this awful time.

Jenny

Christina,
My heart aches for you and your family.  I know no one can even begin to understand the pain that you are feeling and the terrible loss of your little Johnathan. Just know that there are many people here on the list that will be sending prayers your way.  I've heard that when a baby smiles or giggles seemingly at nothing, it means that they are seeing angels.  Johnathan will be that angel for the November list babies.  I will be thinking of him and of you when my little one smiles.  You, Johnathan, and your family will be in my thoughts and prayers.

May peace come to you,
Katie

Dear Christina and Family,
I do not know you, have never met you, but my heart aches for you right now. I only offer these mere words of comfort, and please know that our prayers are with you and yours.

We honor the memory of loved ones gone before by faithfully returning to our post of duty and turning our face toward life. Their purpose in living and their honor is not fulfilled unless and until our task is performed and our work is finished.

With Love and Prayers for healing,
Janice Streng
Meridian, Idaho

G'day Christina

My heart aches for you as tears stream down my face reading your post.  Thank you for posting and allowing your EL mates to share in your grief.  There are no words that can ease the pain that you must be feeling but you are in my thoughts and prayers as you struggle to come to terms with your loss.

Little Johnathan was a precious gift for such a short time, but his star shines brightly in all our hearts.  I pray that you find peace and solace in the memories of his innocent smile.

Love from
Lyndall in Oz

Christina,

My husband Michael and I wanted to extend our deepest sympathies to you, Scott, and your families. Please know that you are in our thoughts and prayers. If there is anything at all that we could do to help, please don't hesitate to ask.

Your precious little boy is going to be a wonderful guardian angel, and he will not be forgotten by any of us.

Sending you the biggest cyber-hugs possible, with lots of love.

Sincerely,
Heather, Michael, Wil, and Erika Elias

I don't know what words I could say that could help you at this time.  I have cried for Johnathan and your family.  You will always be a November mom, part of a very special group of women.  Jeff and I will be making donations to the Heart and Stroke Foundation and to our local Childrens Hosptial (The Toronto Hospital for Sick Children) in memory of Johnathan.

Our thoughts and Prayers continue to be with you and your family.

With love,

Sheila, Jeff & Patrick

Christina,
I'm so sorry to hear about Johnathan.  We'll all miss him and you in our little community.  The Japanese say that beauty in nature is more precious because it is fleeting. Your months with Johnathan must be very precious to you and I'm sure you made them very good months for him too.  Grief is very powerful and I hope that you have people close by to hold you and to help you through the time ahead. Please reach out for support and contact me anytime I can help.

Betsy Gamble

I know you are getting many messages and you don't know me but I am writing because I DO know what you are going through and your message brought back so many memories. I too lost my Jonathan, and his twin brother Jeffery, on July 6, 1988. Seems like yesterday. I never thought I would survive after their death (shortly after birth). The doctors never did really find a reason - just kept saying things like this happen. Easy for them to say - they didn't carry them in their body for 9 months and love them so much only so have them leave so suddenly. I thank God for my horses; my ONLY reason for getting out of bed so many mornings after their death. I do have 2 children (born after Jonathan & Jeffery) but I still grieve, cry, and think about all the what-if's for my firstborn sons. Christmas and their birthday are still hard, even 10 years later. We buy a personalized ornament for our tree every Christmas to remember them by and visit their stone (it has a rocking horse engraved on it) as much as possible. They are buried in Michigan and we live in Penn.

Take strength wherever you can find it. Do whatever makes you feel better and don't think you are forgetting your son because you do something that does make you happy. I am here to tell you it will get better. It will never be 'all right' but it will get better, with time. Oh, how I wish I could hold you and comfort you in this time of ultimate loss. The loss of a child is a very hard thing to come to grips with because we are conditioned to accept the eventual deaths of those older than ourselves, but when someone younger, especially our own children, dies it is all so wrong and so very hard to understand and accept. I hope I haven't rambled on too much. If you have any interest, I still belong to a very good organization called Pregnancy and Infant Loss Center which has helped a great deal over these past years. There are also many support groups online now (which weren't available 10 years ago - I didn't even have anything local).

You and your family, and especially Johnathan, are in my prayers.
Diana York

Having lost my mother recently, I know that words cannot express the way you and your family must feel at this time.  I like to think that my Mother was among those waiting to greet Jonathan as he came through the gates from this life.  And Jonathan will be waiting for you.  And in the meantime he'll be watching over you and yours.

As you learn to get along without his physical presence, you'll still miss him and love him.  Please try not to let those people who say "it's better for him this way" get to you too much.  If you ever need to vent or cry or just reminisce about the months that you were blessed to have a special child living with you on this earth, feel free to write to me directly.

Bernadette Crumb

My heart felt sympathy to you and your family. I can't imagine a greater loss than that of a child. May it be of some small comfort to know that you are in the thoughts and prayers of many, many people.

Take care,
Myra Hencher
Nova Scotia

Grief can be so overwhelming...there is alot of support out there. below are some that saved me...when my daughter died...

GGGina

Please accept our sympathy...Johnathan will be remembered in the hearts
of all the November moms. If only all of our support and caring could
take away some of the pain. I'm glad you realize that you will always be a November mom...

barbara popolow

We are so sorry to here your news. As a mom I feel for you. Just remember God has his plan. Our thoughts and prayers are with you and Scott. We will not stop praying for you. God Bless you both.

        Our Condolences,
            Tom,Carol,Andrew,Marcus,
                Brooke and Tommy Williams

Words just can't express the sadness I feel for the loss of your son. As the mother of two children, I simply can't imagine how the sorrow must just fill your entire being.  I hope that you have wonderfully supportive family and friends who can help you through this.  Make sure you lean on those people, and give yourself lots of time to just work on healing your heart.  I'm sure you have some fabulous memories of Johnathan - and I hope that the joy of those thoughts can help you through your grief, as well.

With all my sympathy,

Katy (from E-L)

My heart aches for you & your family.  I am so sorry that Jonathan's time on earth was so short but know that he will always be with you and will be watching over you from heaven.  I wish there was something I could do to help the pain you are feeling go away but I know there isn't.  I look forward to seeing your yearbook page and please know that we will always remember little Jonathan as being one of our little November miracles. Please take care of yourself, you are in my thoughts & prayers.

Hugs,
Johane

I just heard of the news.  I'm so sorry about the loss of your little boy.  It sounds like you are at peace that Johnathan is safe in the arms of our Heavenly Father.  I hope this will be a comfort to you if your thoughts and memories are painful and difficult to bear.

I'm here for you if you need anything or would like someone to talk to. Knowing you and Johnathan has been a blessing. I will keep you and your loved ones in my prayers and Johnathan will always have a place in my heart.

With love,
  Lisa

I had not heard about Johnathan until today and grieve for your loss.  His birthday is the same date as my oldest so I know I will always have a memory of a brave little boy who brought his parents such joy for the time he stayed.  And I know it was joy by the tone of your emails and chats - it was always so wonderful to hear from you and I hope you will remain in touch.  I am also glad that you are able to find so comfort already and pray that while Johnathan will always be in your heart and mind that those memories will only bring you joy and thanksgiving.
Love,
Teresa - Mom to Aaron (HLHS)  & Emma

Christina and Scott,
Johnathan's grandmother's dream just made me cry, it was so beautiful. Yes he will be watching over you and his little brothers and sisters. I too have lost a child when she was 6 weeks old. We knew from day one that she would go to a better place. The day she left was so beautiful. On our way home there were rainbows all over the place. One looked like it was going from the hospital all the way to our home. There was no rain except for one little cloud that weeped onto our car but no one else. Our family was driving their cars right behind us and we asked if their car got wet and they said no. My two older girls saw the rainbows and said there goes Lindsey, so whenever I see a rainbow, she comes to mind and I say hello Lindsey. Lindsey was there when Nicole was born, She was also there when Nicole's heart was punctured at 4 months old because we almost lost her then. Your angel is with my angel and they will be watching!

Hugs,
Lorraine, mom to Nicole (HLHS) 5 Raychele 14, Michele 12, Lindsey guardian angel at 6 weeks.

I wish I could say something that could ease the terrible ache in your heart. I cannot begin to imagine the hole in your life right now, so all I can do is pray God's mercy on you and healing for you and your family. I know Johnathan will always be a part of your life and I pray the time you had with him has made your lives richer.

God bless you,
Alice

We are always deeply saddened  to hear of the loss of another little child.  Would that we could ease your pain at this most terrible of times.  May you find strength in the days to come.

Michael and Leora Liben
Jerusalem

I just got a mail from Cathy telling me about your terrible tragedy. I guess we can only dimly imagine what this must be like for you. Please accept the deepest sympathies from us here in Australia.

Virtual hugs are all we can do, I hope they are of some small comfort.

Graham Jenkins

I just wanted to tell you how very sorry I am to hear about your son.....I havent been able to read mail in about 2 weeks, so this post was the first I had known about it.  I am so so sorry.  I cant imagine what you must be feeling, but know that there are many of us out here praying and willing God to give you the strength to deal with this and find peace.  I just wish there were more we could do......I just dont know what to say except you are in my thoughts and prayers......please reach out to others when you need them, dont be afraid.
Take care and God bless
Ellie
mom to Brendan 10 mos HLHS, post hemi fontan, and Jenna, 5 yrs old

***  Tragically, Ellie's son Brendan died only a few days after this letter to us.  ***

Christina, I am not sure if you remember me I am one of the list owners on OPSS. Tonight I heard from Sonya Bellair about Jonathan's death. My heart aches for you. I wish there was something I could do to spare you from this pain. I know know the pain of losing a child. My daughter died of SIDS at 4 & 1/2 months old. Please know that I am her if you need to talk of if you need some links to sites regarding infant loss. I have put up a page in memory of Jonathan. May the peace of God comfort you in this most difficult time.

Ashli

I heard about Johnathan.  I'm so so sorry.  Babies shouldn't die and Mommies and Daddies shouldn't ever have to say good bye.  I am so sooooo sorry you had to go such a sad and horrible loss.  I wish I could do something to ease your ache and loss.

hugs,

 Deantha

Christina & Scott,
 I don't know your religious faith, but I asked members of my
faith to pray for your family and was asked to forward this to you.

Please forward this to Christina & Scott at your earliest convenience...

Dear Christina & Scott....I am one of this weeks Candlekeepers and read with great sadness the post regarding the passing of Johnathan.  I hold the role of Candlekeeper as a great honor, and will hold a special ritual tonight for Johnathan...  I wanted to send you a copy of my "words" and hope you get some sense of peace from them.  Please know that I hold you in great esteem during this time of great sorrow.

I can find no other words to say to you my dears, to comfort you now,
but please know I hold you close in my heart....Thanks for allowing me to "do something" in the role of Candlekeeper during this time.

In Love and In Light
Pamprr

I am so sorry for your loss.  I wanted you to know that I will be thinking of and praying for you.

Ten years ago we lost our two year old Katie to Lukemia and some one told me this story and often it has helped me.  I wanted to share it with you.

One day an angel was asked why a little girl was taken so young, when she was so loved. The angel said, the little girl was in fact an old soul and she had only one lesson left to learn...that lesson was the  lesson of being loved completely. She had felt that love and learned that lesson and was taken back to heaven to spend eternity as an angel herself...

With thoughts and prayers,
Pam Stewart gg (grandma) to Molly 3 mos. 2 wks hlhs

My dear, dear friend,

Your sweet letter made me cry.  I cry a lot these days, thinking of you and your precious boy.  How unutterably sad that he was taken from us so young, for he was loved so much.

I printed out Johnathan's birth story, which I had saved, and put it in a special box, along with copies of the letters and card you wrote Serena. When she's older, I want to explain to her all about the precious angel she has looking over her, someone she can always talk to when she is alone and in need of a friend.

I have those pictures you sent me at Christmas time, and Kathy Froilan would like to put them up on her memorial page for him.  Would you mind that?  I would so much love to create a page for him as well, and if you had other photos of the 3 of you, I would be honoured to put them up for you.  If you sent them to me, I'd happily pay the postage, and make sure you got them back safe and sound.  Let me know if and when you're ready.

I know that right now must be incredibly difficult for you, Scott and your families.  Nothing I can write will ease that pain I fear. Just know that I hold you in my heart, and I pray for you all the time, to have strength in the days and weeks to come.

Please do not hesitate to write if you feel up to it.  Don't feel pressured to write back right away or anything.  I just wanted to let you know that you are so loved.

With aching heart,

Caroline

Hugs to all,
Lorraine, mom to Raychele 14, Michele 12, Lindsey guardian angel at 6 weeks,
and Nicole (HLHS) 5.

Dear Christina and Scott,
Irene just wrote with the news of Johnathan's passing.  My heart aches for you and I know I cannot find the right words or any words that will bring you comfort.  But I do want you to know that I am thinking of you and praying for you, that you will find peace in this and happiness again.  I send my love to you and my hopes.  Johnathon will not be forgotten by the many of us on pdheart.  He will hold a special place in my heart forever.

My sincerest condolences on your loss,
Tricia Christensen

Christina,

I can hardly type these words to you as I am crying so hard......

Over the last year or so, I have grown to know you as a friend through the November list and I remember sending you and Johnathon your baby shower gift, so I felt a special connection to you.  My heart is torn out thinking of the loss of your precious little boy.....I cannot even imagine the pain
you and your family are going through now.

All I can muster to say is that I'm so sorry that this happened and that I wish I could just be there with you to let you cry to and lean on.  Please, I know that you cannot stay on the november list, it would be too hard, but please keep my e-mail addy and write to me and keep in touch.  I would hate to lose contact with you.

Tearfully,

Sonya Bellair

My heart is breaking for you and your little Johnathan.  I am so very sorry and send you  hugs and tears of sorrow for your loss.

That is one of life's biggest losses, and the most tender and innocent of all. Such unfulfilled promise; such sorrow, such a permanent scar on the heart.

I will hold you and yours in my thoughts as you proceed through the sad parting from your son.

Pat Miller
Michigan

Christina,

I am so very sorry to hear about Johnathan.  I know I am not alone in my shock and sadness......All the November moms so much wanted, and believed, that the surgery would be successful.  I am very much looking forward to having his yearbook page in my book with all our babies.  I wish I had the words to express how terribly sorry I am, from one Mother to another.

Love, Kim

Christina,
I have been thinking of you all everyday.  Today is the first day I have been online since the funeral.  I forwarded the message per your request.  Your words were beautiful and so true and I pray for the Lord to continue to provide you both strength and good thoughts about Johnathan's new life in Heaven.  Of course, we are human and we know our life as we have lived it.  Death is an unknown unless you look to the Bible and realize life on earth is the "appetizer" to the full course meal.  Johnathan is happy and has a new heart now that will never fail him.

Irene

Dear Ones,
I have been going over and over in my heart just what I would put to paper when I wrote for the first time.  Ipray that as I try to send my thoughts to you that you know that you both are so very important to me and that I love you so very, very much.  I am so bad at trying to express this "left-handed" heart, so just know that I mean well and that I would never offend, assume, or deliberately cause you more pain than you are already going through.  Sooo.....  I know that you have heard over and over the" I'm so sorrys", and the "It will get better with time", and then the very awkward "I guess it was just God's will."  Some of them weren't even able to say anything, just brought you food, hugged your neck, then rushed home.  There may have even been a few "I know how you feel" disasters, or "You're still young, you can always have more." which were absurd, because no one knows the pain you are feeling and no one ever will.  And Pooter will never-ever be replaced even if you have 10 more babies.  He was and always will be your baby boy--one of a kind, and there will never be another like him.   But since you guys are exceptional, wonderful people, you probably said the thank-you's, gave hugs back, and politely remained silent when you wanted to scream "You have no way of knowing how or what I feel!!"  I know that this has been the worst pain your heart has ever felt and that it will never go completely away.  There will be days ahead that will be easier, but also days ahead that it will all come back like a bolt of lightening to tear your heart out again.  You are strong and I know that even though this has been the greatest loss of your lives, you have each other, need each other, love each other, and can have a good, happy life together.  You must allow yourselves to grieve, alone or together, and by tears, sweet memories, and an occasional fit of anger, you will heal.  Not forget or even get "pain-free" but heal and be happy again.  I have asked over and over, "Why God?  You are the Great Physician!  Remember the lepers and the blind and the lame??  Why not our Pooter???  Where is the "good" in this deal?? Where are You in all of this??"  And He has been silent so far, and I am so mad, just like any small spoiled child wanting to know why right now!!  I know that you guys know a bit about what we have been through around here the last three years with my Mom and Daddy, and on my very worst days the brat in me would shake my fist and cry out "Why God?"
 And then I don't know if you know that Johnny and I have four precious babies in Heaven already, and as we lost each one I never saw any "good" from that.  I guess the only thing that has kept me going is that even though I know nothing about a lot of things and that I have a "degree" in
zippo,  there are a few things that God has revealed to me in spite of my bratty attitude and my temper fits over how He was running things.  I know for sure now that God is love.  God never lies, and so every promise that He has made in His Precious Word is true.  His grace and His peace are available to all because He does love us so, and even when the worst thing happens to us, He will never let us go through them alone.  And the most important thing that I know that I know about God is that He is in total control of our lives.  He sets the path and IT is to accomplish His will which is always good in our lives.  He never sends the trials, but He does allow them for reasons that we may never know until we are with Him in Heaven.  I hope you are not getting upset at me for writing this, but I just love you both so much and I know that there are so many
questions in you hearts right now.  Don't let any of Satan's "What If's" slip in.  He can destroy you with the guilt if you let him.  He is the father of lies, the evil one and he comes in so quietly with his subtle condemnation.  Just remember what our Lord says about this:  "I did not come into this world to condemn, but to save."  If you have questioned each other or yourselves in this, stop it right now; it is of Satan.  Recognize it for what it is and rebuke it.  I want to end this with letting you know that I believe with all of my heart that the minute that Johnathan took his last breath here that the next he took was of Heavenly Air, sweeter than any he's ever known.  I believe that our Precious Jesus was there to welcome him and comfort him and that he is spending his days under Christ's love and care.  You will see Jonathan again and you will know him.  He is totally healed now and can run and play without any difficulty and I promise he is very, very happy.  He is in the presence of God and he will be for all eternity.  As I have said before, I would never want to add to your pain, and I love you both to pieces, so please, when you read this, know that it is written with only your best in mind.  I'll write you soon.  Take care of each other and know that you are being lifted up each day in my thoughts and prayers.

Love,  Auntie Sandie